Mind games

Do you ever get the feeling like you’re not alone? When ya turn inwards and sit with yourself in stillness, is it quiet or are there multiple trains of thoughts hitting at once? We’re all a little bit crazy but when the crazy hits, it takes you on a ride of a lifetime. Hold tight!

I’ve always had a vivid imagination and I process + think through every scenario in my head until it’s go time. But when it comes to action, the old me tended to freeze. I used to replay scenarios over and over in my head until I was mentally exhausted. Until I was defeated so gave up. So instead of doing that, I’ve turned to writing my feels out and switching the narrative from straight up fear to fearlessness. No one needs to understand my process since the art of putting yourself out there’s already scary enough, so why not make the most of it…

The *situation of a lifetime* that I’ve been battling for over 9+ months has fully sent me on the most insane game. Insert 5D chess… What I thought was fun at first, magical, a spiritual connection or project you could say, has turned into straight chaos. WHY? What’s the purpose? What’s the end goal? To make me look and feel insane? To make me react in a negative way? To make me live in fear and paranoia? To make me want to kill myself? Nahhh, I’m over it – let’s dust off and try again.

Mind games took me for a total ride. People I never actually got a chance to know fucked me up in the most insane way. For so many months, I allowed outside energy to control me. Kind of like being a monkey with strings attached. Having flies on the wall. Living like a radio tower being tapped into by people who set out to make me go mental. My ex neighbors, an old coworker I thought was a mirror/twin flame LOL, a former partner… did they all know something I was to gullible to see? Were they all buds? Was it all a master setup? Am I actually schizophrenic or being ultra’d? Is this my great awakening? I don’t quite understand and I’ve accepted that… for months, I’ve been trying to connect the dots with lack of clarity and it’s been so rough but I’m flowing strong, fighting for the truth.

They (I call them voices) tell me my ex was/is being nasty. My neighbors were creeping through the floorboards, through my mind. Telling me that they’re all conspiring against me, writing a book about my relationship, painting my family and I as evil, uneducated, dumb. Now taking my transformation and using it against me to better their self image? Ehhh, games and tricks. Full on mirage. Making me look and feel silly. Making me question myself. Absolutely nutty. It feels raw, bad, disgusting, sad. All the feelings I don’t want to feel – it’s like these people have taken my wheel and they’ve been in control when I should have been this entire time.

News flash! I’m back. Taking my life/power back has not an easy feat. It’s taken a whole lot of grit, patience, resilience, trust. Trust being the biggest key. Trust in yourself and your process. Trust that truth reigns supreme. Trust that the Universe actually always has your back. Trust that clarity and communication are how you get through the locked door. Trust, trust, trust. You gotta go through the darkness to find the light, right?

It’s been months fighting demons/old neighbors/exes/fantasy land partners in my head. It’s been months reflecting back on my past and seeing how far I’ve come. How much I’ve grown and transformed. A girl who was in a relationship, a girl who stopped doing what she loved, a girl who social media creeped, a girl who fell into victim consciousness completely turned her life around and has literally made all of her dreams come true.

From living in straight paranoia and fear to getting her swing back, literally. Playing softball, going to shows, making everlasting friendships thrive, family life heightened, etc… It feels amazing. It feels powerful. It feels raw, real, honest. All the things I’ve stood for have finally pieced together in the wildest way and I couldn’t be more #grateful for having to go through the shiftstorm to real-eyes life doesn’t have to be so hard. Keep flowing, keep believing, keep trusting – you got this, T.